I have come to a great realization. In my last I talked about a strange day on witch I woke up and felt the urge to go to church. I have come to believe that that incident was not a coincidence but “divine intervention”. I truly do believe that God woke me up and sent me on a path to find him.
I have never had much faith or belief in God. I have always been a man that has had to have scientific explanation in order to believe something. I the past I have always said “I can’t see God and I can not touch him and there is no scientific proof that he exists, there for he is not real”.
I have pondered long and hard the events of Christmas morning. Wakening up at 4 am, having the idea to go to church, finding a church service 2 hours after I woke up and in the town were I live, and finally having the minister say that drunkarards will be forgiven.
Some would say that that all this happening the day after I came home from rehab is a coincidence. I think not. After deliberating over this series of events I have come to the conclusion that that there is no feasible scientific explanation for this occurrence. I am lead to believe that it was the act of some non worldly higher power. I believe it to be God.
Step 2 of alcoholics anonymous says “came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity”. In the very beginning of my recovery I struggled greatly with idea. I now feel that I am blessed to be able to say “I have come to believe that the power of god can restore me to sanity”.
Last Sunday at church I asked Jesus to come into my life and forgive me for my sins. I am now willing to try my best to lead my life towards the light of God and morality.
I have lived in sin for too long and looks were it has gotten me. I have wasted the better part of 20 year in drunkenness and depression. 10 years ago pastor Mike Floyd whom married Barbie and I heeded me a warning of a marriage without the presence of God. He spoke of a “three full cord”, existing of a man a women and god together like three ropes braided together for added strength.
At the time I smiled and nodded but honestly I could have given a shit less what he was babbling about. I was just pretending along so he would marry us. Looking back now at the last 10 years. I really wish I had listened and become saved by God at that time. How many problems could we have avoided?
I am not saying my marriage is awful because its not. I am glad that I am married and I love my wife till death. However I will be the first to say that Barbie and my union of marriage has had great periods of “unhealthiness”. I will also be the first to admit that most of these problems and points of unhealthiness were my fault or at least provoked by my evils and shortcomings.
I have a great hope and sense of new beginning since asking the lord into my life last Sunday. I am confident that my faith in god will continue to grow with each passing day.
I also believe that with the power and wisdom of the lord, Barbie and I will be able strengthen and purify our marriage. I am so looking forward to growing in the light of God, hand in hand with my beautiful wife.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Saturday, December 25, 2010
44 days sober cristmas day "strange morning"
Now that I have this sleep apnia mechine I am finding myself needing less sleep. So there I am laying in bed wide awake at 4:00 am. As I'm laying there pondering my new sober life, I for some reason get the idea that mabye I should go to church.
Spiritualty is a important part of AA and healthy recovery. AA's 2nd step reads "Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." Being that I don't have much religion I have strugled with this a bit. I have being searching for my "Higher Power". I have been trying my best to stay open to anything that catches my eye and sticks. So I'm laying there thinking that maybe I should go to church this Sunday (not a bad place to look for a higher power, um duh).
So I get out of bed and hop out of bed and jump on the internet to see about the local services. Well low and behold the baptist church in Ogema has a Christmas service this morning at 6:00am. So I put on my button up shirt and head to church.
I'm sitting there in the pew slightly uncofortable because everyone knows that I'm the guy with the word "assjack" on the back window of his Ford. The preacher is preaching and I'm doing my best to try and follow along and I hear something that really caught my ear.
Corinthans 1-6 Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.
So how strange is it that 1. I wake up at 4am, 2. I deceded to go church for the first time since I got married, 3. The preacher man says something about a drunkard being forgiven. I'm not saying that I'm going to become a decan in the church, but I do think that I may explore this God and church thing a little further.
Spiritualty is a important part of AA and healthy recovery. AA's 2nd step reads "Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." Being that I don't have much religion I have strugled with this a bit. I have being searching for my "Higher Power". I have been trying my best to stay open to anything that catches my eye and sticks. So I'm laying there thinking that maybe I should go to church this Sunday (not a bad place to look for a higher power, um duh).
So I get out of bed and hop out of bed and jump on the internet to see about the local services. Well low and behold the baptist church in Ogema has a Christmas service this morning at 6:00am. So I put on my button up shirt and head to church.
I'm sitting there in the pew slightly uncofortable because everyone knows that I'm the guy with the word "assjack" on the back window of his Ford. The preacher is preaching and I'm doing my best to try and follow along and I hear something that really caught my ear.
Corinthans 1-6 Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.
So how strange is it that 1. I wake up at 4am, 2. I deceded to go church for the first time since I got married, 3. The preacher man says something about a drunkard being forgiven. I'm not saying that I'm going to become a decan in the church, but I do think that I may explore this God and church thing a little further.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Dear, Whisckey
Dear, Whiskey
My old friend, the road we have shared has been so long. How many great times and memories we have shared. My mind drifts back to the first time I felt your sweet burn. 15 years old in old man Pococks garage with my best friends. I new then and there that we would be comrades for life. I had never felt anything like you. I knew the way you made me feel could never be duplicated.
I drift back to memories of prom night stink fingers with my first love in my first car. Having you on my breath helped my to have the balls to cross that state line.
When I felt innocence's first heartbreak you were there to help the tears to my eyes. Oh how much you helped to dull that pain.
So many good times. Muddy tires, bon fires and slutty girls back on Hedien road. We were blood brothers and we swore and allegiance to you gravely burn. We lifted our glasses and toasted to you the tie that bonded us in brother hood. "To the good guys" we exclaimed. The longing remorsefully burn we felt as autumn closed in on that never ending summer. Oh do I wish that I could go back to that summer even if just for a fleeting moment. To feel that young and that alive again.
My friend I have always had trust in you. Though love and hate, hope and disappointment you have stayed true to me. As the years have passed and the winds of change have come and gone you have never forsaken me. So many good times and so many great memories we have made. For thoughts I sincerely thank you.
Whiskey my old brother I love you and I'm sure that I will never forget you, but the time has come for a bitter sweet goodbye. I have realized that no matter how much we care for each other we need to stop this evil love affair. I am not 18 anymore and there has to come a time for me to grow up and be a man. That time is now
Please do not blame yourself old friend for it is me that has grown weary of you. I have come to need you to much and it has made me a crocked man. I have abused you and used you for purposes unintended.
It is time grow up and be the man that I should have always been. I have found a new love. A beautiful brown eyed girl that loves me and wants to be my bride, so I must bid you farewell. This new love is so much more that the lie that we have been living. The lie has been long and fun but never the less it is still a lie. Please do understand that I will always hold dear in my heart what we had together.
Times have changed and so have I. I have a good women at home and sons to be a father to. Maybe if I were a stronger and smarter man I would be have the ability to attend to all of you but I don't so I must choose. Sorry my friend but I choose my family. Please understand that I need to be a better husband and a better father. I love you so dearly but I am a better man with out so I must say good bye. I no longer want you in my life. I can not be the man that I want to be with you by my side and in my soul.
The memory of your sweet kisses shall haunt me, likely until they lay me down to rest. Enough is enough, this has to stop, our time together is over. So my kerosene brother I bid you farewell we are done
You will fair well on your own as will I also. There is new hope in my heart and soul, I will be OK with out you. The time has come for me to stand on my own and let you slip away.
Sincerely
Tom Monroe
My old friend, the road we have shared has been so long. How many great times and memories we have shared. My mind drifts back to the first time I felt your sweet burn. 15 years old in old man Pococks garage with my best friends. I new then and there that we would be comrades for life. I had never felt anything like you. I knew the way you made me feel could never be duplicated.
I drift back to memories of prom night stink fingers with my first love in my first car. Having you on my breath helped my to have the balls to cross that state line.
When I felt innocence's first heartbreak you were there to help the tears to my eyes. Oh how much you helped to dull that pain.
So many good times. Muddy tires, bon fires and slutty girls back on Hedien road. We were blood brothers and we swore and allegiance to you gravely burn. We lifted our glasses and toasted to you the tie that bonded us in brother hood. "To the good guys" we exclaimed. The longing remorsefully burn we felt as autumn closed in on that never ending summer. Oh do I wish that I could go back to that summer even if just for a fleeting moment. To feel that young and that alive again.
My friend I have always had trust in you. Though love and hate, hope and disappointment you have stayed true to me. As the years have passed and the winds of change have come and gone you have never forsaken me. So many good times and so many great memories we have made. For thoughts I sincerely thank you.
Whiskey my old brother I love you and I'm sure that I will never forget you, but the time has come for a bitter sweet goodbye. I have realized that no matter how much we care for each other we need to stop this evil love affair. I am not 18 anymore and there has to come a time for me to grow up and be a man. That time is now
Please do not blame yourself old friend for it is me that has grown weary of you. I have come to need you to much and it has made me a crocked man. I have abused you and used you for purposes unintended.
It is time grow up and be the man that I should have always been. I have found a new love. A beautiful brown eyed girl that loves me and wants to be my bride, so I must bid you farewell. This new love is so much more that the lie that we have been living. The lie has been long and fun but never the less it is still a lie. Please do understand that I will always hold dear in my heart what we had together.
Times have changed and so have I. I have a good women at home and sons to be a father to. Maybe if I were a stronger and smarter man I would be have the ability to attend to all of you but I don't so I must choose. Sorry my friend but I choose my family. Please understand that I need to be a better husband and a better father. I love you so dearly but I am a better man with out so I must say good bye. I no longer want you in my life. I can not be the man that I want to be with you by my side and in my soul.
The memory of your sweet kisses shall haunt me, likely until they lay me down to rest. Enough is enough, this has to stop, our time together is over. So my kerosene brother I bid you farewell we are done
You will fair well on your own as will I also. There is new hope in my heart and soul, I will be OK with out you. The time has come for me to stand on my own and let you slip away.
Sincerely
Tom Monroe
Friday, December 3, 2010
pms
21 days sober. Now that the cloud of alchol is lifting my emotions are slowly waking up. I never realized how much i have not been feeling while i was drunk for all these years. Feeling seems so new to me and the truth is im kinda freakin out. I have not had to make decision or choices based on how i feel for so long.
I feel like a women with PMS. I am an emotional bitch right now. I feel like Im on a rollercoaster, one minute i will be supper happy and the next i will want to cry like a baby and i dont know why. I can hate someone one minute and love them the next (sorrry barbie). I am having a hell of a time controling the way i feel and think. But you know what as hard as it may be to going through this i am so thankfull. I am fucking feeling. I thought that i would never be happy again and i am starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I want to cuddle with my wife becuse it makes me feel good. the numbness is leaving my heart and i have insperation again.
I feel like a women with PMS. I am an emotional bitch right now. I feel like Im on a rollercoaster, one minute i will be supper happy and the next i will want to cry like a baby and i dont know why. I can hate someone one minute and love them the next (sorrry barbie). I am having a hell of a time controling the way i feel and think. But you know what as hard as it may be to going through this i am so thankfull. I am fucking feeling. I thought that i would never be happy again and i am starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I want to cuddle with my wife becuse it makes me feel good. the numbness is leaving my heart and i have insperation again.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Rehab tomarow
It has been an amazing 4 days that I have been able to spend with my family. I have never been so inlove with my wife. It actully has began to hurt when she is not by my side. I have neglected her for so long and in these past days of sobriety I have decided to start anew. I make this promise to her and anyone that reads this. "From this day forth I will never let anything come before her needs and I will never let anything come between us. Also I promise to do my best to be the husband that she deserves."
On a difernt note. I am going to charge into this life of sobriety like a solder into battle, and it will be a battle. This is going to be the hardest thing that I have ever done. There is no doupt in my mind that I will have crippling urges to drink, I will need the suport of my family and my freinds to overcome this evil adiction. I know in my heart that I need to be sober in order to be a better man, husband, father and freind.
I go into this with a great amount of fear. The only thing I have know for the last 10 years is being drunk and I fear that I will not know myself once I come out on the other side. I fear that my wife will no longer know me or like me once I have changed. Every thing that I know to be fun revolves around drinking. They say that eventuly I will relearn how to enjoy life without being drunk after being sober for a time. I am honestly scared that I will never feel the same kind of elation that i have goten for so long from the bottle.
For so long I have blamed my life for my drinking problems. In reality now that I have been sober for 10 day I relize that I need to blame my drinking for the problems in my life. The truth is hard to admit but it is undoubly the truth. I fucked up. I have hurt my sons to the point were they asosiate my love with the burn on whisckey. I have alienated, ignored and hurt my wife to the point of almost ruening my marrige. I am glad that I have made the choose to stop drinking and I plan to put everything that i have in my soul into fixing my marraige. I will do every thing that I can to make her love me like crazy again.
I am exited about the future but at the same time I have this feeling of guilt that is setting into my soul. I have wasted so much time that I will never get back. I have hurt my wife and I have scared my children. I have not been the good man that I thought I was being. I am such a lucky man to have such a great wife and kids and I am damb lucky that I still have them. I now through sober eyes see what I have done and I regret to no end the chooses that I have made. I swear that I will put everything I can into making it up to them. I will do better, and pray for there forgiveness.
There is hope. The first thing that you have to do to fix a problem is to identify the cause and I know with out a doupt that my drinking is the cause and that will stop. I am hopfull about the future and I know that forgiveness and understanding will heal everyones scars.
On a difernt note. I am going to charge into this life of sobriety like a solder into battle, and it will be a battle. This is going to be the hardest thing that I have ever done. There is no doupt in my mind that I will have crippling urges to drink, I will need the suport of my family and my freinds to overcome this evil adiction. I know in my heart that I need to be sober in order to be a better man, husband, father and freind.
I go into this with a great amount of fear. The only thing I have know for the last 10 years is being drunk and I fear that I will not know myself once I come out on the other side. I fear that my wife will no longer know me or like me once I have changed. Every thing that I know to be fun revolves around drinking. They say that eventuly I will relearn how to enjoy life without being drunk after being sober for a time. I am honestly scared that I will never feel the same kind of elation that i have goten for so long from the bottle.
For so long I have blamed my life for my drinking problems. In reality now that I have been sober for 10 day I relize that I need to blame my drinking for the problems in my life. The truth is hard to admit but it is undoubly the truth. I fucked up. I have hurt my sons to the point were they asosiate my love with the burn on whisckey. I have alienated, ignored and hurt my wife to the point of almost ruening my marrige. I am glad that I have made the choose to stop drinking and I plan to put everything that i have in my soul into fixing my marraige. I will do every thing that I can to make her love me like crazy again.
I am exited about the future but at the same time I have this feeling of guilt that is setting into my soul. I have wasted so much time that I will never get back. I have hurt my wife and I have scared my children. I have not been the good man that I thought I was being. I am such a lucky man to have such a great wife and kids and I am damb lucky that I still have them. I now through sober eyes see what I have done and I regret to no end the chooses that I have made. I swear that I will put everything I can into making it up to them. I will do better, and pray for there forgiveness.
There is hope. The first thing that you have to do to fix a problem is to identify the cause and I know with out a doupt that my drinking is the cause and that will stop. I am hopfull about the future and I know that forgiveness and understanding will heal everyones scars.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
7 days sober
Well folks it has been 7 days since i have felt the sweat burn on whiskey in my gulit. I am missing it like you can not believe but at the same time i can feel my mind and my body healing. I have more energy and my thoughts are clearer and brighter.
For thoughs that do not know last Sunday I had a bit of a metal break down and was having some "un-healthy" thoughts. This is hard for me to admit but i feel like i need to say it to help my healing. My drinking was getting out of hand and i felt like my world and everything the that i hold dear was falling apart. the truth is that i wanted to take my own life to escape the stress and pain of what was going on in my life. when i was sober i was fine but when i was drinking i was crazy and thinking irrationally. I came to the conclusion the the safest thing myself and my family and everyone involved was for me to check myself into the mental ward at the tohma veteran's hospital. I spent 6 days there getting my medication figured out and detoxing from the poisonous alcohol that i have been bathing my soul with for the past many years.
While i was there i had a lot of time with my thoughts. I pondered life and love. My pain and my forgiveness. My past but mostly my future. I need to bee a better husband i need to start showing my wife how important she is and how much i really do need her and love her. I need to make her my princes again. I need to listen to her feelings and thoughts. I need to hold her when she needs to be held. I need to tell here how beautiful i think she is more often. I need to be the man that she wants and needs again. I have no excuses for my mistakes and short comings i have no one to blame but myself for were i am and what has happened to me. I my self am the one that has neglected her and my marriage by continuously clouding my mind and soul with my addiction to alcohol.
I am done with it. I am putting it down. I have made the decision. Every morning for probably the rest of my life i will wake up next to my wonderful wife and swallow a disulfiram tablet (a drug that makes you violently ill if you have even a sip of booze) and tell my self that i am a better man with out the drink. I know that it is going to be a long hard road but i will make it.
For thoughs that do not know last Sunday I had a bit of a metal break down and was having some "un-healthy" thoughts. This is hard for me to admit but i feel like i need to say it to help my healing. My drinking was getting out of hand and i felt like my world and everything the that i hold dear was falling apart. the truth is that i wanted to take my own life to escape the stress and pain of what was going on in my life. when i was sober i was fine but when i was drinking i was crazy and thinking irrationally. I came to the conclusion the the safest thing myself and my family and everyone involved was for me to check myself into the mental ward at the tohma veteran's hospital. I spent 6 days there getting my medication figured out and detoxing from the poisonous alcohol that i have been bathing my soul with for the past many years.
While i was there i had a lot of time with my thoughts. I pondered life and love. My pain and my forgiveness. My past but mostly my future. I need to bee a better husband i need to start showing my wife how important she is and how much i really do need her and love her. I need to make her my princes again. I need to listen to her feelings and thoughts. I need to hold her when she needs to be held. I need to tell here how beautiful i think she is more often. I need to be the man that she wants and needs again. I have no excuses for my mistakes and short comings i have no one to blame but myself for were i am and what has happened to me. I my self am the one that has neglected her and my marriage by continuously clouding my mind and soul with my addiction to alcohol.
I am done with it. I am putting it down. I have made the decision. Every morning for probably the rest of my life i will wake up next to my wonderful wife and swallow a disulfiram tablet (a drug that makes you violently ill if you have even a sip of booze) and tell my self that i am a better man with out the drink. I know that it is going to be a long hard road but i will make it.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Time for change
I have come the realisation that i am a drunk and i have been just that for about 15 years. What has brought me to this conclusion isn't perfectly clear to me yet but it is a number of things. Maybe its that I'm getting older , I'm 30 now and the hang overs hurt way more that they used to. Maybe its that I'm driving my wife away or that i have realized that I'm teaching my kids how to be drunks. My 7 year old son meets me at the door after work everyday with a hug and an open beer for his old man. The boy loves me but he shouldn't associate my love with my drinking, that needs to change. I have always as long i can remember loved to be drunk. you know there is just something about it. You get happy you get stronger you are more fun to be around but you know what else that's all bull shit. it is time for Mr Tom Monroe to learn how to be all thoughts things with out the bottle. I say learn because i truly don't know how to have fun when I'm not drunk. November 23 i am checking my self into the 31 day substance abuse program at the Tohma VA hospital. I am ready (I am scared as hell) but i am ready. Hopefully they can fix me actually i should word it like this "I hope that they can help me fix myself". I say that i am scared and i really truly am. my wife is very exited about this but she also says that she is nervous about it because i will be a person that she has never met when I'm sober. I definitely see her point because i wont know myself when i am sober either. it may sound dumb but it will almost be like I'm being reborn. i started writeing this sober and now well you guessed it im drunk so if the thought prossec breaks down and i start talking stupid , well it is what it is. Im gona qoet my hero here "well im gona have to give up something that means the world to me. and i dont know what im gona do or how im gona be. yah im puttin it down gona try and stand on my to feat. so this is the last time the bottles coming up to try to set my soul free. i dont know what im gona a do but somethings gota change. becuse all the wiskey and drinking is taking away my flame.
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