Now that I have this sleep apnia mechine I am finding myself needing less sleep. So there I am laying in bed wide awake at 4:00 am. As I'm laying there pondering my new sober life, I for some reason get the idea that mabye I should go to church.
Spiritualty is a important part of AA and healthy recovery. AA's 2nd step reads "Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." Being that I don't have much religion I have strugled with this a bit. I have being searching for my "Higher Power". I have been trying my best to stay open to anything that catches my eye and sticks. So I'm laying there thinking that maybe I should go to church this Sunday (not a bad place to look for a higher power, um duh).
So I get out of bed and hop out of bed and jump on the internet to see about the local services. Well low and behold the baptist church in Ogema has a Christmas service this morning at 6:00am. So I put on my button up shirt and head to church.
I'm sitting there in the pew slightly uncofortable because everyone knows that I'm the guy with the word "assjack" on the back window of his Ford. The preacher is preaching and I'm doing my best to try and follow along and I hear something that really caught my ear.
Corinthans 1-6 Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.
So how strange is it that 1. I wake up at 4am, 2. I deceded to go church for the first time since I got married, 3. The preacher man says something about a drunkard being forgiven. I'm not saying that I'm going to become a decan in the church, but I do think that I may explore this God and church thing a little further.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Dear, Whisckey
Dear, Whiskey
My old friend, the road we have shared has been so long. How many great times and memories we have shared. My mind drifts back to the first time I felt your sweet burn. 15 years old in old man Pococks garage with my best friends. I new then and there that we would be comrades for life. I had never felt anything like you. I knew the way you made me feel could never be duplicated.
I drift back to memories of prom night stink fingers with my first love in my first car. Having you on my breath helped my to have the balls to cross that state line.
When I felt innocence's first heartbreak you were there to help the tears to my eyes. Oh how much you helped to dull that pain.
So many good times. Muddy tires, bon fires and slutty girls back on Hedien road. We were blood brothers and we swore and allegiance to you gravely burn. We lifted our glasses and toasted to you the tie that bonded us in brother hood. "To the good guys" we exclaimed. The longing remorsefully burn we felt as autumn closed in on that never ending summer. Oh do I wish that I could go back to that summer even if just for a fleeting moment. To feel that young and that alive again.
My friend I have always had trust in you. Though love and hate, hope and disappointment you have stayed true to me. As the years have passed and the winds of change have come and gone you have never forsaken me. So many good times and so many great memories we have made. For thoughts I sincerely thank you.
Whiskey my old brother I love you and I'm sure that I will never forget you, but the time has come for a bitter sweet goodbye. I have realized that no matter how much we care for each other we need to stop this evil love affair. I am not 18 anymore and there has to come a time for me to grow up and be a man. That time is now
Please do not blame yourself old friend for it is me that has grown weary of you. I have come to need you to much and it has made me a crocked man. I have abused you and used you for purposes unintended.
It is time grow up and be the man that I should have always been. I have found a new love. A beautiful brown eyed girl that loves me and wants to be my bride, so I must bid you farewell. This new love is so much more that the lie that we have been living. The lie has been long and fun but never the less it is still a lie. Please do understand that I will always hold dear in my heart what we had together.
Times have changed and so have I. I have a good women at home and sons to be a father to. Maybe if I were a stronger and smarter man I would be have the ability to attend to all of you but I don't so I must choose. Sorry my friend but I choose my family. Please understand that I need to be a better husband and a better father. I love you so dearly but I am a better man with out so I must say good bye. I no longer want you in my life. I can not be the man that I want to be with you by my side and in my soul.
The memory of your sweet kisses shall haunt me, likely until they lay me down to rest. Enough is enough, this has to stop, our time together is over. So my kerosene brother I bid you farewell we are done
You will fair well on your own as will I also. There is new hope in my heart and soul, I will be OK with out you. The time has come for me to stand on my own and let you slip away.
Sincerely
Tom Monroe
My old friend, the road we have shared has been so long. How many great times and memories we have shared. My mind drifts back to the first time I felt your sweet burn. 15 years old in old man Pococks garage with my best friends. I new then and there that we would be comrades for life. I had never felt anything like you. I knew the way you made me feel could never be duplicated.
I drift back to memories of prom night stink fingers with my first love in my first car. Having you on my breath helped my to have the balls to cross that state line.
When I felt innocence's first heartbreak you were there to help the tears to my eyes. Oh how much you helped to dull that pain.
So many good times. Muddy tires, bon fires and slutty girls back on Hedien road. We were blood brothers and we swore and allegiance to you gravely burn. We lifted our glasses and toasted to you the tie that bonded us in brother hood. "To the good guys" we exclaimed. The longing remorsefully burn we felt as autumn closed in on that never ending summer. Oh do I wish that I could go back to that summer even if just for a fleeting moment. To feel that young and that alive again.
My friend I have always had trust in you. Though love and hate, hope and disappointment you have stayed true to me. As the years have passed and the winds of change have come and gone you have never forsaken me. So many good times and so many great memories we have made. For thoughts I sincerely thank you.
Whiskey my old brother I love you and I'm sure that I will never forget you, but the time has come for a bitter sweet goodbye. I have realized that no matter how much we care for each other we need to stop this evil love affair. I am not 18 anymore and there has to come a time for me to grow up and be a man. That time is now
Please do not blame yourself old friend for it is me that has grown weary of you. I have come to need you to much and it has made me a crocked man. I have abused you and used you for purposes unintended.
It is time grow up and be the man that I should have always been. I have found a new love. A beautiful brown eyed girl that loves me and wants to be my bride, so I must bid you farewell. This new love is so much more that the lie that we have been living. The lie has been long and fun but never the less it is still a lie. Please do understand that I will always hold dear in my heart what we had together.
Times have changed and so have I. I have a good women at home and sons to be a father to. Maybe if I were a stronger and smarter man I would be have the ability to attend to all of you but I don't so I must choose. Sorry my friend but I choose my family. Please understand that I need to be a better husband and a better father. I love you so dearly but I am a better man with out so I must say good bye. I no longer want you in my life. I can not be the man that I want to be with you by my side and in my soul.
The memory of your sweet kisses shall haunt me, likely until they lay me down to rest. Enough is enough, this has to stop, our time together is over. So my kerosene brother I bid you farewell we are done
You will fair well on your own as will I also. There is new hope in my heart and soul, I will be OK with out you. The time has come for me to stand on my own and let you slip away.
Sincerely
Tom Monroe
Friday, December 3, 2010
pms
21 days sober. Now that the cloud of alchol is lifting my emotions are slowly waking up. I never realized how much i have not been feeling while i was drunk for all these years. Feeling seems so new to me and the truth is im kinda freakin out. I have not had to make decision or choices based on how i feel for so long.
I feel like a women with PMS. I am an emotional bitch right now. I feel like Im on a rollercoaster, one minute i will be supper happy and the next i will want to cry like a baby and i dont know why. I can hate someone one minute and love them the next (sorrry barbie). I am having a hell of a time controling the way i feel and think. But you know what as hard as it may be to going through this i am so thankfull. I am fucking feeling. I thought that i would never be happy again and i am starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I want to cuddle with my wife becuse it makes me feel good. the numbness is leaving my heart and i have insperation again.
I feel like a women with PMS. I am an emotional bitch right now. I feel like Im on a rollercoaster, one minute i will be supper happy and the next i will want to cry like a baby and i dont know why. I can hate someone one minute and love them the next (sorrry barbie). I am having a hell of a time controling the way i feel and think. But you know what as hard as it may be to going through this i am so thankfull. I am fucking feeling. I thought that i would never be happy again and i am starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I want to cuddle with my wife becuse it makes me feel good. the numbness is leaving my heart and i have insperation again.
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