Rehab tomarow

    It has been an amazing 4 days that I have been able to spend with my family.  I have never been so inlove with my wife. It actully has began to hurt when she is not by my side.  I have neglected her for so long and in these past days of sobriety I have decided to start anew.  I make this promise to her and anyone that reads this.  "From this day forth I will never let anything come before her needs and I will never let anything come between us.  Also I promise to do my best to be the husband that she deserves."
    On a difernt note.  I am going to charge into this life of sobriety like a solder into battle, and it will be a battle.  This is going to be the hardest thing that I have ever done.  There is no doupt in my mind that I will have crippling urges to drink, I will need the suport of my family and my freinds to overcome this evil adiction.  I know in my heart that I need to be sober in order to be a better man, husband, father and freind. 
    I go into this with a great amount of fear.  The only thing I have know for the last 10 years is being drunk and I fear that I will not know myself once I come out on the other side.  I fear that my wife will no longer know me or like me once I have changed.  Every thing that I know to be fun revolves around drinking.  They say that eventuly I will relearn how to enjoy life without being drunk after being sober for a time.  I am honestly scared that I will never feel the same kind of elation that i have goten for so long from the bottle.
    For so long I have blamed my life for my drinking problems.  In reality now that I have been sober for 10 day I relize that I need to blame my drinking for the problems in my life.  The truth is hard to admit but it is undoubly the truth.  I fucked up.  I have hurt my sons to the point were they asosiate my love with the burn on whisckey.  I have alienated, ignored and hurt my wife to the point of almost ruening my marrige.  I am glad that I have made the choose to stop drinking and I plan to put everything that i have in my soul into fixing my marraige.  I will do every thing that I can to make her love me like crazy again.
    I am exited about the future but at the same time I have this feeling of guilt that is setting into my soul.  I have wasted so much time that I will never get back.  I have hurt my wife and I have scared my children.  I have not been the good man that I thought I was being.  I am such a lucky man to have such a great wife and kids and I am damb lucky that I still have them.  I now through sober eyes see what I have done and I regret to no end the chooses that I have made.  I swear that I will put everything I can into making it up to them.  I will do better, and pray for there forgiveness.
     There is hope.  The first thing that you have to do to fix a problem is to identify the cause and I know with out a doupt that my drinking is the cause and that will stop.  I am hopfull about the future and I know that forgiveness and understanding will heal everyones scars. 

7 days sober

     Well folks it has been 7 days since i have felt the sweat burn on whiskey in my gulit.  I am missing it like you can not believe but at the same time i can feel my mind and my body healing.  I have more energy and my thoughts are clearer and brighter. 
     For thoughs that do not know last Sunday I had a bit of a metal break down and was having some "un-healthy" thoughts.  This is hard for me to admit but i feel like i need to say it to help my healing.  My drinking was getting out of hand and i felt like my world and everything the that i hold dear was falling apart.  the truth is that i wanted to take my own life to escape the stress and pain of what was going on in my life.  when i was sober i was fine but when i was drinking i was crazy and thinking irrationally.  I came to the conclusion the the safest thing myself and my family and everyone involved was for me to check myself into the mental ward at the tohma veteran's hospital.  I spent 6 days there getting my medication figured out and detoxing from the poisonous alcohol that i have been bathing my soul with for the past many years. 
    While i was there i had a lot of time with my thoughts.  I pondered life and love.  My pain and my forgiveness.  My past but mostly my future.  I need to bee a better husband i need to start showing my wife how important she is and how much i really do need her and love her.  I need to make her my princes again.  I need to listen to her feelings and thoughts.  I need to hold her when she needs to be held.  I need to tell here how beautiful i think she is more often.  I need to be the man that she wants and needs again.  I have no excuses for my mistakes and short comings i have no one to blame but myself for were i am and what has happened to me.  I my self am the one that has neglected her and my marriage by continuously clouding my mind and soul with my addiction to alcohol.
     I am done with it.  I am putting it down.  I have made the decision.  Every morning for probably the rest of my life i will wake up  next to my wonderful wife and swallow a disulfiram tablet (a drug that makes you violently ill if you have even a sip of booze) and tell my self that i am a better man with out the drink.  I know that it is going to be a long hard road but i will make it.

Time for change

I have come the realisation that i am a drunk and i have been just that for about 15 years.  What has brought me to this conclusion isn't perfectly clear to me yet but it is a number of things.  Maybe its that I'm getting older , I'm 30 now and the hang overs hurt way more that they used to. Maybe its that I'm driving my wife away or that i have realized that I'm teaching my kids how to be drunks.  My 7 year old son meets me at the door after work everyday with a hug and an open beer for his old man.  The boy loves me but he shouldn't associate my love with my drinking, that needs to change.  I have always as long i can remember loved to be drunk.  you know there is just something about it.  You get happy you get stronger you are more fun to be around but you know what else that's all bull shit.  it is time for Mr Tom Monroe to learn how to be all thoughts things with out the bottle.  I say learn because i truly don't know how to have fun when I'm not drunk.  November 23 i am checking my self into the 31 day substance abuse program at the Tohma VA hospital.  I am ready (I am scared as hell) but i am ready.  Hopefully they can fix me actually i should word it like this "I hope that they can help me fix myself".  I say that i am scared and i really truly am.  my wife is very exited about this but she also says that she is nervous about it because i will be a person that she has never met when I'm sober.  I definitely see her point because i wont know myself when i am sober either.  it may sound dumb but it will almost be like I'm being reborn.                  i started writeing this sober and now well you guessed it im drunk so if the thought prossec breaks down and i start talking stupid , well it is what it is.   Im gona qoet my hero here "well im gona have to give up something that means the world to me.  and i dont know what im gona do or how im gona be.  yah im puttin it down gona try and stand on my to feat.  so this is the last time the bottles coming up to try to set my soul free. i dont know what im gona a do but somethings gota change. becuse all the wiskey and drinking is taking away my flame.